Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Been feeling a bit... down lately.

I wanna be still  
I wanna walk into your grave  
Where I can shelter in peace  
Until all our cares have blown away, yeah
Let the whole world fall away  

And fall into my arms  
Stay with me, 
I don't know how long we've got left 
And so I'm asking you to forgive me

I learn as I go  

To float far away into silence and just watch your face  
And find some kind of grace In that quiet bliss   
Can I stay  
And say nothing at all, at all?

Where will we go when we get old?  
When the bustle and the noise get too frightening  
When each and every angry word Is banished to the past

That's when I think we'll learn as we go  
To float far away into silence and 
I'll watch your face  
And find patience and grace In each line there
Work each day 

All for nothing at all, at all A
nd the few words I say 
They mean nothing at all, at all
Will you walk into the grave with me?  

Will you leave this empty world soft and wistful?  
To sink into the dark, dark earth  
And never reappear would be blissful
To float far away into eternal space 

And God's silence where I'll watch your face  
And find patience and grace In each line there 
Drift away Into nothing at all, at all  
Find the grace To be nothing at all, at all  
Fade away  
And end up nothing at all, at all, at all, at all

Thursday, March 21, 2013


I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that sometimes I forget important things, like dates, and that it's not always about me.

I'm sorry that I'm not always the person that's there when you need me to be, that I'm not the most attentive, that sometimes I'm so tired I forget that it's my duty to be that person.

I'm sorry that I'm so needy, and that sometimes even a little never seems like enough.

I'm sorry for being flawed, and scared all the time that I'm going to hurt someone inadvertently, or that I'm just not good enough for how amazing most of you are.

I'm sorry that sometimes I'm insecure, and I feel the need to apologize and it might get irritating.

I'm not sure if I've ever said it, but I was told for so long of my life by others that I was worthless, that I was ugly, that I was fat, that I wasn't good enough. Stupid me listened to them, and not the others that told me I was pretty, and beautiful, and worth it, and that in the back of my mind always whispers that I'm only setting myself up to get hurt, that people are really laughing at me, and that I'm not worth it.

Everyday I get up, and I take a deep breath, and I work on shutting that voice up, and not letting it have any power over me. Sometimes I win, some days It gets so bad I feel like the girl in hyperbowl curling up in a small ball and not moving. (ref: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html )

Somedays I have a GREAT day, then at the end of the night, It's like someone flicked a lightswitch.

I'm sorry. If this seems like an excuse, but it's never that.

I can't tell you, how many of you have impacted me, my life, and my heart. I know we all struggle, we're on SL for a reason, and we're here for each other. Community both ugly and beautiful. Family, or friends, or loved ones, we're all seeking something that we've missed, that we're missing, that hole we are trying to fill.

and I feel like, sometimes, I'm sorry for not being thankful enough. For all of you. My family, my friends, my loved ones. I am so very very thankful for you. Even if we only talk once a month, or two, or even more, just those touch ins, I am grateful for it. For the missed messages just saying "I love you", because it reminds me, that somedays, even when I feel like an overwhelmed turtle, there's someone thinking about me too. And everyday, at least twice a day, most of you cross my mind, and I wonder how you are, and if life is treating you well that day, and I hope, that even if it isn't, somehow, you can feel that love there and know that in thought that strength is there for you.

The past is gone, tomorrow isn't here, and there's a reason they call it the present. Everyday is a blessing, even the hard ones. It's okay. Just remember to breathe.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Life and it's trivials

Where is life, where has it gone, and can we ever get it back? It's been so long since I've updated this, I know, this seems to be a reoccurring theme amongst the blogging world when it comes to me. I get spurts that I must share all of the things, and then times I just don't feel the need. I don't have a particularly large following, and those that do follow tend to know me and get the news through that. My real life has gone from slow to insane to slow to insane, I've gone through a real relationship or two, and think that it's just time to let that path go. Ironically enough, the same with secondlife. How funny sometimes the things mirror themselves, and other times the tool that gives us the most relief of stress somehow turns around to be the greatest cause of it. Othertimes, the opposite rings true. How aptly named "Second - Life" because like Life it's got it's ups and downs, and it's literally like living a secondary life sometimes. As large and as massive as the world of SL can go sometimes it's easy to forget how very very small it can be too.

So in Akemo's world..  moved into Somersley, moved out of Somersley, watched my children get married, divorced, find love again.. or find their complimenting love. Adopted... Adopted Toby, amazing wonderful Toby who's real life has stolen him away, who's secretly in the closet, just don't tell all the cute boys that. He's fabulous, fierce, and will make you want to throttle him until he's not able to use that sly tongue of his one second and have you in stitches laughing so hard you couldn't imagine not talking to him every day. Someday my son will come back to me, troublemaker that he is. Then there is Valley and Jake and through them the most amazing grandbabies that come along with it. They have been amazing to join in this little slice of life... and with them it was the near perfect completion of my family. All these grown babies, Heather, sweet Heather, the one who's too much like her mother's hidden wild side she can't help but always worry but knows in her heart of hearts that beneath all that vinegar and fire and a dash (or healthy dose) of crazy is the worlds biggest heart trying to make it through all those bruises. Jake and Valley who make lovestories that young teenagers want to swoon over look like trashy romance novels with a kindness and beauty to them that makes you drawn to them as much as a dragon to its hoard.

Then there's Lilac.. my little Lilac, who came into our lives amongst the rockiest craziest landslide time, and throughout that, through it all she's stuck by. We've found our own gnarled roots to trip along our little path, but as long as we hold our hands really tight we'll never really loose each other. She was, what we thought, what I thought, was the missing and final piece to my family. Little Ava snuck in, though she's got no player beyond what some call Pixel's on a screen she's no less real in our hearts. My darling that grows bigger every day, somehow even added MORE onto that completion.

"NO MORE" we said, with a resounding roar to the sky, cereal spoon held high (hyperbowl reference here, shamlessly), our feet's planted in an unbreakable stance in defiance of all the things both good bad and mixed with a few nuts between. Then of course, Fate laughed her fickle laugh, and with the twisted claw that is her hand, gave us another set of blessings wrapped in a cloth. Maybe it was the cheesecloth off the eyes finally and suddenly someone who'd been a friend for so long became more. A broken lonely heart suddenly found it's match in a best friend, and found with that friendship it had so much more wings to fly with once it learned to stop nursing the bruises like they were broken limbs. Marrok Badru came into our lives, though he'd been there all along with a few other familiar faces. One of my best friends, and with the less than graceful shove of two tiny chubby little hands found out what had been missing but really there all along.

Akemo who had been born into the world of Secondlife dubbed "Akemo Draegonne" by the great Lindin Lab gods, became Akemo Eberhart when she found the family of her heart, starting with her daughter Eden, who in turn would someday grow (in a fashion) to be Charbie Eberhart, and who helped an "old woman" begin to see what she wanted the most. Now she's changed again, but she'll never forget the roots that started the beautiful tree that blossoms now. She became Akemo Eberhart-Badru, because it's important not only to remember where you came from, but the possibilities of new beginnings. Things will come along, they'll give you scrapes and bruises, but it's important to remember that everything heals, unless you keep picking at it (indeed, remember what mother said.). This new leaf, this new chapter, finally complete... is not perfect. It's got a few cracks, and without the occasional aid of a few dozen wine bottles spread out amongst the hearts and minds behind the dancing pixels it might have crumbled into the sea a few times. Though as always, there's the same impossibly unbreakable glue to those who know sometimes its boogers and faith that scrapes you by, but love, real love, lives through the tough times too.

Grown babies, little babies, children who can go back and forth in their own lives, from Mom, to Gramma, to Great-Gramma (great Lindins preserve us), down to the smallest version of her hart sometimes...

Artemus was a lone little girl, who tried to find a good fit into home. She found a few hopefuls, fell into darkness, and found the greatest Prince of ever. Her mother, sitting upon a big white stead in dented tinfoil hat with a duct tape roll of paper towel rolls (and her glorious, amazing steed the family who may have shaved a few dogs to make the worlds creepiest horse-costume) had found home. The face may have changed slightly, heck, even the great Lindin gods might have tried to reincarnate because her mother's name switched but it was always the Mother of her heart. Behind it all was the one who kissed her goodnight, flew to the moon for the worlds best cheese, and jumped on the trampoline until they both got so dizzy. From exploring strange places to snuck moments eating pancakes and talking about crazy photography times...

yeah, sometimes real life gets in the way. Or the Other Secondlife, but there's something important to remember about forever. It's not just tomorrow, or the day after, there's a lot of days in there. When you've found home in a heart, it doesn't go away with a single click of an 'x'. There's healing there, and there's the secret of the universe in that smile that can be shared across miles of wires and crazy particles. There's a big insane family that spans across what has been so lovingly dubbed the Eberheart-Mirabella clans. Secondlife beware, you've got nothing on this family. There's not enough body condoms in the world to protect against the strand of crazy we breed.

and day in day out when I go back to the grueling real world and work a minimally satisfying job for pay that balances on abysmal amongst my beaten brothers in arms, I look forward to some of the things that some people may say that you shouldn't. Every time I can kiss the sunset goodbye, and my duties to my real life go with it asleep in their beds as their lives are just beginning, I go to the one that can be anything I can dream of.

 I've always been told I had a good imagination.

My life can be better stalked on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/akemo.draegonne