Been feeling a bit... down lately.

I wanna be still  
I wanna walk into your grave  
Where I can shelter in peace  
Until all our cares have blown away, yeah
 
Let the whole world fall away  
And fall into my arms  
Stay with me, 
I don't know how long we've got left 
And so I'm asking you to forgive me

I learn as I go  
To float far away into silence and just watch your face  
And find some kind of grace In that quiet bliss   
Can I stay  
And say nothing at all, at all?
 
Where will we go when we get old?  
When the bustle and the noise get too frightening  
When each and every angry word Is banished to the past
 
That's when I think we'll learn as we go  
To float far away into silence and 
I'll watch your face  
And find patience and grace In each line there
 
Work each day 
All for nothing at all, at all A
nd the few words I say 
They mean nothing at all, at all
 
Will you walk into the grave with me?  
Will you leave this empty world soft and wistful?  
To sink into the dark, dark earth  
And never reappear would be blissful
 
To float far away into eternal space 
And God's silence where I'll watch your face  
And find patience and grace In each line there 
Drift away Into nothing at all, at all  
Find the grace To be nothing at all, at all  
Fade away  
And end up nothing at all, at all, at all, at all

Rob Dougan - Nothing At All

Apologies.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that sometimes I forget important things, like dates, and that it's not always about me.

I'm sorry that I'm not always the person that's there when you need me to be, that I'm not the most attentive, that sometimes I'm so tired I forget that it's my duty to be that person.

I'm sorry that I'm so needy, and that sometimes even a little never seems like enough.

I'm sorry for being flawed, and scared all the time that I'm going to hurt someone inadvertently, or that I'm just not good enough for how amazing most of you are.

I'm sorry that sometimes I'm insecure, and I feel the need to apologize and it might get irritating.

I'm not sure if I've ever said it, but I was told for so long of my life by others that I was worthless, that I was ugly, that I was fat, that I wasn't good enough. Stupid me listened to them, and not the others that told me I was pretty, and beautiful, and worth it, and that in the back of my mind always whispers that I'm only setting myself up to get hurt, that people are really laughing at me, and that I'm not worth it.

Everyday I get up, and I take a deep breath, and I work on shutting that voice up, and not letting it have any power over me. Sometimes I win, some days It gets so bad I feel like the girl in hyperbowl curling up in a small ball and not moving. (ref: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html )

Somedays I have a GREAT day, then at the end of the night, It's like someone flicked a lightswitch.

I'm sorry. If this seems like an excuse, but it's never that.

I can't tell you, how many of you have impacted me, my life, and my heart. I know we all struggle, we're on SL for a reason, and we're here for each other. Community both ugly and beautiful. Family, or friends, or loved ones, we're all seeking something that we've missed, that we're missing, that hole we are trying to fill.

and I feel like, sometimes, I'm sorry for not being thankful enough. For all of you. My family, my friends, my loved ones. I am so very very thankful for you. Even if we only talk once a month, or two, or even more, just those touch ins, I am grateful for it. For the missed messages just saying "I love you", because it reminds me, that somedays, even when I feel like an overwhelmed turtle, there's someone thinking about me too. And everyday, at least twice a day, most of you cross my mind, and I wonder how you are, and if life is treating you well that day, and I hope, that even if it isn't, somehow, you can feel that love there and know that in thought that strength is there for you.

The past is gone, tomorrow isn't here, and there's a reason they call it the present. Everyday is a blessing, even the hard ones. It's okay. Just remember to breathe.

Life and it's trivials

Where is life, where has it gone, and can we ever get it back? It's been so long since I've updated this, I know, this seems to be a reoccurring theme amongst the blogging world when it comes to me. I get spurts that I must share all of the things, and then times I just don't feel the need. I don't have a particularly large following, and those that do follow tend to know me and get the news through that. My real life has gone from slow to insane to slow to insane, I've gone through a real relationship or two, and think that it's just time to let that path go. Ironically enough, the same with secondlife. How funny sometimes the things mirror themselves, and other times the tool that gives us the most relief of stress somehow turns around to be the greatest cause of it. Othertimes, the opposite rings true. How aptly named "Second - Life" because like Life it's got it's ups and downs, and it's literally like living a secondary life sometimes. As large and as massive as the world of SL can go sometimes it's easy to forget how very very small it can be too.

So in Akemo's world..  moved into Somersley, moved out of Somersley, watched my children get married, divorced, find love again.. or find their complimenting love. Adopted... Adopted Toby, amazing wonderful Toby who's real life has stolen him away, who's secretly in the closet, just don't tell all the cute boys that. He's fabulous, fierce, and will make you want to throttle him until he's not able to use that sly tongue of his one second and have you in stitches laughing so hard you couldn't imagine not talking to him every day. Someday my son will come back to me, troublemaker that he is. Then there is Valley and Jake and through them the most amazing grandbabies that come along with it. They have been amazing to join in this little slice of life... and with them it was the near perfect completion of my family. All these grown babies, Heather, sweet Heather, the one who's too much like her mother's hidden wild side she can't help but always worry but knows in her heart of hearts that beneath all that vinegar and fire and a dash (or healthy dose) of crazy is the worlds biggest heart trying to make it through all those bruises. Jake and Valley who make lovestories that young teenagers want to swoon over look like trashy romance novels with a kindness and beauty to them that makes you drawn to them as much as a dragon to its hoard.

Then there's Lilac.. my little Lilac, who came into our lives amongst the rockiest craziest landslide time, and throughout that, through it all she's stuck by. We've found our own gnarled roots to trip along our little path, but as long as we hold our hands really tight we'll never really loose each other. She was, what we thought, what I thought, was the missing and final piece to my family. Little Ava snuck in, though she's got no player beyond what some call Pixel's on a screen she's no less real in our hearts. My darling that grows bigger every day, somehow even added MORE onto that completion.

"NO MORE" we said, with a resounding roar to the sky, cereal spoon held high (hyperbowl reference here, shamlessly), our feet's planted in an unbreakable stance in defiance of all the things both good bad and mixed with a few nuts between. Then of course, Fate laughed her fickle laugh, and with the twisted claw that is her hand, gave us another set of blessings wrapped in a cloth. Maybe it was the cheesecloth off the eyes finally and suddenly someone who'd been a friend for so long became more. A broken lonely heart suddenly found it's match in a best friend, and found with that friendship it had so much more wings to fly with once it learned to stop nursing the bruises like they were broken limbs. Marrok Badru came into our lives, though he'd been there all along with a few other familiar faces. One of my best friends, and with the less than graceful shove of two tiny chubby little hands found out what had been missing but really there all along.

Akemo who had been born into the world of Secondlife dubbed "Akemo Draegonne" by the great Lindin Lab gods, became Akemo Eberhart when she found the family of her heart, starting with her daughter Eden, who in turn would someday grow (in a fashion) to be Charbie Eberhart, and who helped an "old woman" begin to see what she wanted the most. Now she's changed again, but she'll never forget the roots that started the beautiful tree that blossoms now. She became Akemo Eberhart-Badru, because it's important not only to remember where you came from, but the possibilities of new beginnings. Things will come along, they'll give you scrapes and bruises, but it's important to remember that everything heals, unless you keep picking at it (indeed, remember what mother said.). This new leaf, this new chapter, finally complete... is not perfect. It's got a few cracks, and without the occasional aid of a few dozen wine bottles spread out amongst the hearts and minds behind the dancing pixels it might have crumbled into the sea a few times. Though as always, there's the same impossibly unbreakable glue to those who know sometimes its boogers and faith that scrapes you by, but love, real love, lives through the tough times too.

Grown babies, little babies, children who can go back and forth in their own lives, from Mom, to Gramma, to Great-Gramma (great Lindins preserve us), down to the smallest version of her hart sometimes...

Artemus was a lone little girl, who tried to find a good fit into home. She found a few hopefuls, fell into darkness, and found the greatest Prince of ever. Her mother, sitting upon a big white stead in dented tinfoil hat with a duct tape roll of paper towel rolls (and her glorious, amazing steed the family who may have shaved a few dogs to make the worlds creepiest horse-costume) had found home. The face may have changed slightly, heck, even the great Lindin gods might have tried to reincarnate because her mother's name switched but it was always the Mother of her heart. Behind it all was the one who kissed her goodnight, flew to the moon for the worlds best cheese, and jumped on the trampoline until they both got so dizzy. From exploring strange places to snuck moments eating pancakes and talking about crazy photography times...

yeah, sometimes real life gets in the way. Or the Other Secondlife, but there's something important to remember about forever. It's not just tomorrow, or the day after, there's a lot of days in there. When you've found home in a heart, it doesn't go away with a single click of an 'x'. There's healing there, and there's the secret of the universe in that smile that can be shared across miles of wires and crazy particles. There's a big insane family that spans across what has been so lovingly dubbed the Eberheart-Mirabella clans. Secondlife beware, you've got nothing on this family. There's not enough body condoms in the world to protect against the strand of crazy we breed.

and day in day out when I go back to the grueling real world and work a minimally satisfying job for pay that balances on abysmal amongst my beaten brothers in arms, I look forward to some of the things that some people may say that you shouldn't. Every time I can kiss the sunset goodbye, and my duties to my real life go with it asleep in their beds as their lives are just beginning, I go to the one that can be anything I can dream of.

 I've always been told I had a good imagination.

My life can be better stalked on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/akemo.draegonne

A little bit of a heavier blog than normal..

Akemo and her daughter, Eden.

 Where do you go when your escape from reality becomes someplace unsafe and unstable? I usually retreat to my child avatar because through her I can deny that responsibility that comes to me as an adult. Because even if she were to flee from bath time, dump a bunch of bubbles in the sink and then squeal like a heathen child while her mother and uncle chase her down there will be that patient, loving, tolerated understanding. Her life, as hard as it get's sometimes isn't compared to the things I've been through in my own. I've manged to in a way block out the majority of memories from my childhood because the few I do have are bittersweet or painful. I can't go into detail as much as I want because there are people involved whose stories mingle with my own and it's neither my place nor my right to share these things.

However, I can share some details. My father's side of the family dominated most of our lives, because like most people in sitcoms, both sides of the family couldn't stand each other. Not in a amusing sort of chuckle way, but in the way that ruins lives and causes resentment no matter what you try to work out. Still, as a child, I would like to say that I'm relatively sure they did their best to keep us from it. My memories of those young years are filled with the things that causes a child delight, food, presents, loads of people around talking, playing chase in a yard that was a child's jungle, tripping over people who loved you because you were that innocence. I remember my Papa's ham, his hugs, the way he slipped money to us after Mom told us not to take it. I remember my Grandmother's ever patient love and care and that light that seemed to follow her no matter what. Though these are the only good things I can particularly place. I remember getting sick, some, but I remember my parent's arguing. I remember my own mother working a lot, and I remember a very angry older sister who loved me but didn't like having a shadow who worshiped the ground she walked on.

Yeah, we got into a lot of trouble as kids.

I remember my parent's getting a divorce because I'd been told in school the things I should look out for, that weren't right. Those safety talks? It's worth having with your own kids. As much as you get sick of saying it or think it's overheard, sometimes it just takes the right voice saying it to make a difference. I remember the bitter divorce, my father's parents trying to get me at school which I didn't know at the time and having police detectives question me after pulling me out of school. I remember the terror I felt, the guilt, and that sinking feeling that all I wanted was to go back into that happy bubble where nothing bad really happened out of the movies. I was six.

Artemus (me) and her Amazing Family <3

My daughter's seven, and as much as someday lawdy knows I want to shake the shit out of her, I am also grateful for as intelligent as she is, and all the stuff we've been through in our life since her conception I'm almost uniquely gratified that she's still a child, that I've been able to shield her from most of it. My life changed that day, and every day after it. I didn't understand anything, but I knew how I felt. I still do, in some ways, even after years of therapy and the knowledge that it was out of my hands and I saved more than one life that day. It's not this grand parade of being a 'hero', because my actions I think would have happened regardless, but I wouldn't change it even now. I remember crying, a lot, with my mother and sister. I remember the struggle. I remember listening to my mother when she thought I couldn't hear terrified about not only keeping a roof over our heads but food in our stomachs. Working late nights at a convenient store that got robbed frequently because it was one of the few places that she could pick up another shift. She worked as a police dispatcher for most of my life but it wasn't always that easy.

It was hard, and I had to grow up fast. Without the technology we have now babysitters were word of mouth, and by rule of thumb most of the ones in affordable level standards weren't great ones. This is not a pity story, because I've learned some pretty irreplaceable lessons in this lifetime and I'd like to think a lot of my good qualities that people seemed to enjoy have come from these really dark places where I was not nearly as protected as my other family had thought because I just internalized it. So sometimes, when my life gets a little too much to bear my therapy is being able to escape into this little blonde hair blue eyed pixel doll, and for awhile she almost becomes me. No, it's not regression, it's not twisted. I, the adult, am always there behind that pixel. The innocent laughter, the sheer simplicity of these actions begin to knit the wounds that therapy has not. The sweet nights of tucking in, of feeling that warmth through the action even in life heals over the injury that is no fault of anyone other than circumstance.

Still, there are so many harsh and hard words for people who play kids out there. There will always be bad apples amongst the tree, that's true of anything, anywhere you go. Though beneath there are the late blossoms that bloom bright and produce the sweetest fruit. Though if they were bashed, knocked to the ground they would bruise, they'd become malformed, yet no less sweet, though perhaps a bit more bitter. These are things to remember sometimes, when your dealing with a child avatar. Even if you don't understand it, or don't want to, there's a person there. We're all here for a good reason, we're all looking for something we're missing. Health reasons we can't socialize, but on second life we can be popular club owners selling land and running our own staff. Why is the idea of a family such an oddity then? Of having that ability to regress into a child (albeit with a few more freedoms) for some time and enjoy SL without all of the other pressures that generally come with being an adult and that responsibility. Life is hard enough sometimes, and it's nice to have that weight removed even in an artificial world.

Even grownups never told old to snuggle mama.

Though I go back into by definition, what is real? Who's to say on some level that Second-life, who we become there, is not another manifestation of ourselves, only we've got the window into touching that other plane and have that ability to 'play god'. In all of my travels, role play sims, and experiences in SecondLife the most fulfilling, the most compelling reason to keep me logging in has been family. It started out small but has built over the years and in both my adult and my child avi's lives there have been those who hurt us, who have left, but in some ways, and in many ways my heart still goes with them too. For all the bitter souls in pain who feel they've got to hurt others to find that hallow pleasure because in the end it is only that, will continue to feel that sting of loneliness that still haunts them.

Family sometimes has to leave too, but that's okay, we remember all those who've had to go. Ohana. For such a silly little line in a Disney movie how many find it true?

The Eberhart - Enderfield Family.

As much as we can argue, fight, makeup, and for all those who've come and gone, we ARE Family. I wouldn't trade mine for the world. My Real-Life Family is still there too, and I wouldn't trade them for it either, but those warm memories of big family dinners, laughter, and presents still are there. So I consider my SecondLife family mere extensions of my current one, not replacements. My hunt is for that, for that happy bubble where nothing bad existed outside of the movies. You don't have to agree that I'll ever find it because there's pain and hurt and bad things out there too, but I'll never stop believing it.

It's been awhile, I'm bad at that.

Well it's been awhile since I've posted, and the majority of my hits came from my MadPea review. They're doing little hunts now to those interested, and I've snuck in to do the Bloody Mary one more recently. Again, the storyline was awesome and the hunt was interesting, you found all the clues using the HUD before you collect all the prizes. BUT! This is not a review blog (this time) this is simply my bit of an update and information writing and image sharing, so on and so forth. Attempting to fall back into those creative outlets. RL stole me away, working on a novel with a friend, RL relationships ending and beginnings and something a bit between and all those crazy kid jazz.

Haven't done real "photoshoots" in awhile though got inspired the other day and started making new images after doing a kind of Makeover of Akemo. I wonder if people understand or appreciate how much goes into some of the things on SL. I have such respect for Mesh because trying to work with Blender... well let's just say I've had a few more grey hairs that I can't name after my real life children. Though I'm still determined to learn because I really really really want to make beautiful houses for SL, but I keep thinking I should do more research into what's actually available for building mesh in SL for programs. I've got DAZ studios, but that's one of those things you gotta plug a lot of stuff into working on. I don't mind doing it, but I want to make sure I can before spending all that time, energy, and finances on it.

Let's see, changes in SL... My daughter Charbie gave birth to my newest Grandson, Eli. I have a small army of Grandchildren, of all ages, but I love it. I live for it. I started DJ'ing again, then quit shortly after when RL puked up again. Now I'm back into it again thanks to a couple of really old close dear friends opening up a Cabaret and am possibly entertaining the idea of.. Oooh, moonlighting as a Dancer, though I guess we'll see with time. For all my flirtatious nature I tend to be a bit more reserved, and think I'm going to let those other beautiful ladies hold down the fort while I tinker with spinning some fun tunes for our dancing patrons. I'm pondering helping out a friend at her club soon again too, because no matter where SL takes me Dollface doesn't mind when I come crawling back looking for a source to earn some of those sweet Lindin dollars and my shopping addiction.

(Edit) this Picture Won Top of "Best Avatar Award" from fallen gods!

Let's see, as far as the great life of Akemo goes I've become somewhat re addicted to the Mystara sim where I've got a good balance of three or so characters I rotate between. My Demoness "Naamahazazael" (shortened), who's an Envy demon, one of seven, who's full of rage, piss and vinegar. She's fun to play and usually she's the one I go on when It's time to kick puppies or just start general chaos with her co-conspirators. Then there's the before mentioned Elenai Wulfe who is a werewolf Omega and is Rogue now, she gave birth to her daughter Isami Wulfe though her Mate dissapeared shortly after she found out she was having her pup and she's worried he's gone missing because of other dangerous things. Though lastly, the most consuming of my role play time comes on my alt designed specifically for her, Iaceraith Enonia. She's the Da'ariv (Dragon Queen's) mate.

Her story is kind of expansive, but it's littered with blood and lots of bodies. Though, like all characters, when she came to Mystara she had a difficult time adjusting. The more she tried to be "nice" to some of her fellow clanmates and racial creatures the more she realized how different her definition of what was accepted varied from hers. Though someone who primarily came from a land where she'd grown up amongst Adamintine dragons vying for power against the other races of Dragonkind, Mystara's rich culture was a shock to her system and self. Her adoration of Vathandriel was odd for the Queen had just returned to the land, to life of many sorts through a complex ritual. Iaceraith was a warrior, devoted to battle, blade and understanding little more pledged herself to be a guardian of the new Queen.

Emotional crutches aside for both puzzled creatures they somehow found themselves together more and more, Raith's frustration with trying to keep a woman protected who insisted on headstrongly marching into battle with a fist full of insulted honor and pride who threw her life on the line to protect others without thought of consequence. A frustrated dance of friendship became a warmly blossoming foundation for love, and the beginning of a new life for the two. Children followed, adopted as Hatchlings where discovered in the land and found themselves attatched to the two women. They hid their love from clan at first, really deciding to enjoy each other over the possible Drama of two women finding each other in a land of politics and racial discrimination. The dragons, once revered as the protectors of the land and honorable began to be smeared by common folk, sneered at by those whom had once called them friends. Though as all things in this land animosity and hatred is sometimes as quick to go as friendship and love, but these two were bound near inseparable. They would eventually announce their courtship, received without even the slightest ripple by all who knew them and simply said.. "And? duh.. we knew..". The changes from sword to shield, Dragon to Queen and the responsibilities not only of power, or to the Clan, but against those who would slander her good name and spread lies about her people. Iaceraith and Vathandriel are set to be married, on our calenders, on November 11th, 6-9pm SLT.

Well what else has been going on you're asking me? Well, sheesh! Alright let me think. I've moved in with my daughter into the Somersley Sim... for those of you who were like me in "what the noise is that??" It's a "Family" style sim, almost 19 sims wide. It is the "sims" meets SL Family RP, it's.. amazing. I've just done it as in the past couple of days and I'm renting a room through my daughter using mostly birthday money and funding from DJ'ing. Before deciding to move in with Charb I actually applied to the Somersley Hospital as a Doctor, and got the position!

I'm excited and mostly learning to train. So if you need a doctor on Secondlife, look no farther than your very own Akemo. You'll notice, some, that I've changed my last name. No, I haven't gotten married ((actually had some confusion on SL with angry people not getting an invite -giggles- good to know so many would want to come!)) but I switched to my daughter's names to match because I wanted my "family" to be whole and easily recognizable to others. I love being able to see my grand babies daily, I actually did my first assist birthing today (though the clinic is normally closed on Sundays) and I think it went pretty well, can't wait to actually go ahead and do my own birthing. A couple of old friends came by including the one featured in both images here who I've affectionately nicknamed 'Hubs' after him calling me wifey... it's stuck. If not for the partner I was with, this one would likely be Mister trouble in Crime... the one sitting next to me in the Somersley Jail going "well, it wasn't going to tip itself over." the other is a really good friend, whom I met through this friend, who's become equally as my partner in crime.

We call him... Nik. Mister Nik.

This is Artemus Mirabella, she's Tallis Mirabella's little girl.. and a Princess!

But other than that Life has just been life.. and RL sometimes steals us away but sometimes circumstances - or persistent, loving family & friends - make you come back kicking and screaming until you sit still long enough to remember why you enjoyed it and fall in love all over again.

oh, and the new Toddleedoo Mesh avatar bodies? Are amazing.

Actual post will come soon, again.

Lots has happened in SL, but RL has stolen me this month of May. Four Birthdays, one being my sons 5th and my sisters, and I was the MOH in one of my best friends Weddings. Got the Flu, got a flooded basement, and now we're in a heat warning stretch. So let's just say life is chaotic, but not always in the bad. it's a good motovation. Lost the land in SL we were renting, though 'homeless' I feel oddly okay about it. Until things in RL settle I don't mind 'drifting'. It stinks my family's spread out but it doesn't mean they're not a tp away.

That being said, I think it was a new look time for Ke. so I found a shape I'm in love with, thanks to Filthy skins (that I am currently addicted to), and a new hair from Exile- add a few extra touches and a "new" "reinveted" Ke cost about $250 for the new hair pack. Wewt.

No new hunts, unfortunately to review :P no awsome events though I've been debating a single-night return to dj'ing at my friends club. I used to actually get head-hunted when I was dj'ing by other clubs but unfortunately they always seemed to think I was going to bring the clientele with me. I miss it, slightly, but on SL I hate schedules. I have them in Real life, Don't need them in SL as well you know? Alright, more photos coming soon I promise. Maybe I'll do some with friends!

Writers Block.

I know my last big blog was the review, and I feel like I should have something totally awsome to follow that up, but tbh, MadPea hasn't released another hunt quite yet (^_~) and I'm still exploring. There's so much going on I find it hard to consontrate on one thing. so I'll share a picture I took at Innsmouth, the horror themed Sim Nymeth showed me because it goes so perfect with the song I can't stop listening to. It's so haunting in itself, and yet it resounds with me.

The Song:

~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~

There's a haunt in my house
It's a big old house
And it breathes like I breathe
And it lives like I live

But I won
Yet I won the good fight against my own demons
But the fact still remains
There's something wrong with this place

There's a bridge that we all know
And with a cross overhead, you know nobody grows cold
And it breathes like I breathe

But I won the good fight when it reached out to me
But the fact still remains
There's something wrong with that place

You can run but you can't hide